Zim's Babysitting Services
by trublu22
Summary: What would happen if Zim had to take care of a human baby for an entire afternoon? Here's what I think. Oneshot


**So...hey, everybody. :-) This idea came to me earlier today, and I was able to write it down before I forgot it. It was an attempt at humor. XD Feel free to laugh...**

**Oh...and, I don't own Invader Zim.**

**Zim: THAT'S RIGHT! NO FILTHY PIG-SMELLY WILL EVER OWN ME! I AM ZIM! BOW BEFORE ZIM!**

**Actually, Zim, Jhonen Vasquez owns you.**

**Zim: LIES!**

**(No really. He does. XD)**

* * *

><p>It was a cheery summer day. The flowers were particularly bright, the birds sang their annoying songs, and the air was disgustingly fresher than usual. As Zim glared out at the window, he thought to himself that the sooner this filthy planet was destroyed, the better.<p>

At least there was no Skool. Now, he had more time to come up with evil plans. And, since the Dib-worm was away to what humans called "Paranormal Camp", nothing would interfere with Zim's brilliant plans.

Except the doorbell.

"Gir! Disguises!"

"Yes, master!" said Gir obediently, before promptly skipping off, singing.

Zim sighed, making a mental note to upgrade the robot's intelligence when he had the time. The next moment, he had donned his wig and contacts and made his way to the door.

Gir was already in his dog costume, and was sitting in the living room watching the Angry Monkey Show.

Opening the door slightly, Zim glared outside, "Yes, yes? What do you want?"

Standing there, a woman was tapping her foot impatiently, looking very irritated.

"THERE you are! Don't you know you should have been at the house FIVE minutes ago? I'm going to be late!"

"I don't know what you're talking about, lady. I AM ZIM!" he started to close the door. In an act of desperation, the woman placed her foot in between the door and the frame.

"You DARE invoke the wrath of ZIM?" shouted Zim angrily, swinging the door open.

"I'll pay you double! I just need a baby-sitter!"

"Your filthy HUMAN money means NOTHING to ZIM."

"Look, kid. I just need a baby-sitter. Now if you can't -"

"HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ZIM OF NOT BEING ABLE TO HANDLE FILTHY WORM BABIES!" shouted Zim, before she even finished her sentence.

"So, you'll do it?"

"Grrr...fine. Give me it." Zim tooked the small bundle wrapped in blankets, along with the diaper bag.

"Good! I'll be back later today!" she said, glad to get the matter settled.

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever, lady." mumbled Zim and slammed the door.

* * *

><p>"AWWWWW! It's cute!" said Gir, who was now staring at the baby Zim had flung onto the couch.<p>

"Hmm? Oh." said Zim, sulking. "This is ridiculous! I was goin- GIR! WHAT IS THAT HORRIBLE STENCH?"

Gir, who by now was back to watching his show, payed no attention to his master's question. Zim approached the child, but was sent hurtling back.

"IT REEKS! It must be some sort of...defense mechanism._ How I loathe humans..._"

With every second that passed, the smell became even more unbearable. Zim, having had enough, ran down to his base and, thanks to the power of musical montages, built a remote-like device in seconds. He came back up and aimed the device at the baby.

A force field materialized around the child, keeping the smell in. Zim took in a deep breath, relieved that he was once again able to breathe.

"Now, Gir, I need you to watch it while I go down and work on my evil plan." Gir's eyes changed momentarily to red as he stood up.

"Yes sir!"

"Good." Zim nodded and walked off, leaving Gir with the child.

* * *

><p>"GIR! QUIET DOWN!" shouted Zim as he stormed into the living room. Gir, however, was nowhere to be found. Zim glared at the baby, who had now been crying for ten minutes straight.<p>

"Doesn't it have an off-button or something?" said a rather irritated Zim. He de-activated the force field and regretted it when he was once again hit, full on, with the stench of dirty diaper.

At that moment, Gir walked into the house. "I'm back! I brought tacos!" He held out a paper bag to Zim, who was huddled up into a corner.

"Gir! Activate defensive measures!" shouted Zim, unable to bear the stink any longer.

"Okey dokey!" said Gir, but instead sat down and began eating his tacos.

"No, Gir!" shouted Zim. "The _baby! _At least get it to stop _crying!_"

As if noticing the baby for the first time, Gir said, "Aw...he's cute! Eat a taco, baby!"

Gir gave the screaming child one of his tacos. The baby immediately stopped crying and started sucking on the taco like a pacifier. Zim ran to the force-field remote and pressed the button, causing the smell-blocking force field to come up around the child once again.

* * *

><p>The doorbell rang. It immediately opened, and the child was shoved into the waiting mother's arms.<p>

"Aw, did you have a good time?" the mother crooned to the child, but Zim glared at her.

"No, I did NOT! That thing is a MONSTER! Now, LEAVE ZIM'S HOUSE!"

"But, don't you want to get paid?" asked the lady, confused.

"No! Zim wants NOTHING to do with you, or your stinky worm-baby, EVER AGAIN! I AM ZIM!" With that, Zim slammed the door shut.

**I kind of rushed through this story. Ah, well. XD It's DONE! Now the idea will stop nagging, and I could move on to more important things. Have a great day, everyone. Thanks for reading! :-)**


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